So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
