Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
