he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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