Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
