you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
