What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
