If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
