I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
