I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
