life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
