We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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