I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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