I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
