remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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