my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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