FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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