my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
