I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
