If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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