I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
