I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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