I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
