if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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