He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
