Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The air was thick with penises
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
