My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
