my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
