My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
