Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
