i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
