Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
