I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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