I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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