mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
