well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
