i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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