If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize