Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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