Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
