i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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