Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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