Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
