just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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