So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
