Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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