I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
