I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
