My Higher Power is John Stamos
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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