I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
