Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(309): View more from Illinois

is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?

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(309): is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring? http://tfl.nu/8ib1

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(419): View more from Ohio

Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.

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(419): Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them. http://tfl.nu/vhc8

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(519): View more from Ontario

Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.

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(519): Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven. http://tfl.nu/t5a6

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(817): View more from Texas

It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.

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(817): It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it. http://tfl.nu/48x8

Replies (37) Good night (3730) Bad night (1329)
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(301): View more from Maryland

i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day

(240): View more from Maryland

hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine

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(301): i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day (240): hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine http://tfl.nu/f8k7

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

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(412): Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs? http://tfl.nu/bbo7

Replies (28) Good night (5150) Bad night (1825)
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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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(337): There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back. http://tfl.nu/dznq

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(847): Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine? http://tfl.nu/wblw

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(917): View more from New York City

Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.

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(917): Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'. http://tfl.nu/jzlx

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(206): View more from Washington

My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.

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(206): My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in. http://tfl.nu/9rsk

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(818): View more from California

Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.

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(818): Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell. http://tfl.nu/vgl2

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(214): View more from Texas

Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad

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(214): Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad http://tfl.nu/lcu6

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull

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(651): Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull http://tfl.nu/fvhw

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(305): View more from Florida

Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.

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(305): Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978. http://tfl.nu/6hzj

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score

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(717): I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score http://tfl.nu/bx9v

Replies (1) Good night (442) Bad night (327)

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