I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm