wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
