Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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