I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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