winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
