thus making me awesome and them whores
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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