I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
